It was raining yesterday so it seemed like the perfect weekend--cold weather on a Sunday afternoon just lazing at home (as if I needed a rainy day to be lazy. lol). Most of the time, gloomy weather gets me emo and well, for a while it did, as I was browsing melancholic British and Korean indie songs on Spotify to intensify the gloominess. Haha! But in the midst of it I managed to grab my guitar and just played some random chords and somehow ended up writing a happy song. It's such a bright, hopeful song that I had to pat myself on the back for creating something so positive out of the sadness in my heart. CHOS! :))
Anyway this does, in a way, represent my perspective in life. At times when I would be all "why don't I have that," or "why is this happening to me," I would look around me and realize I'm pretty much all good and blessed. Things could have been worse, but I'm lucky I'm in a more stable place. This happens during my strongest and most mentally abletimes so I'm not saying I'm this well-grounded, but the point is that I try and choose to be strong. The second you make this choice, you're done with self-pitying and have resolved the problem without even knowing. :) So yeah, choose happiness. See the brighter side of things. When your world loses color, appreciate the contrast of things in black and white. Have faith in God. He has plans beyond our level of understanding. :)
***
I'd never have imagined feeling this good
Usually the rain would always dampen my mood
Now it seems my feet can't wait to jump in the puddle
Let the rain fall on my face
The sun can shine tomorrow
I could shake the dirt off the soles of my shoes
But what would be the proof of the places I've been to?
I could wipe the fog off of the windows
But then I won't be able to draw hearts with my fingers
I woke up with a fever today and I didn't want to just lie down and surrender to head and body aches, so I decided to write myself an encouraging poem/song (I'm trying to get a decent melody for this but the fever is making me lazy).
So here. I honestly don't know what I'm trying to get at, but whatever. It rhymes so... :)
I needed to write this. I'm also slightly reminded of my other entry, La Douleur Exquise, which by weird coincidence, was written around the same time last year. It was a different experience but both revolve around curiosity. The first was a curiosity about what could happen, while here the curiosity is about why I'm even drawn to someone something...when there shouldn't be any reason in the first place...
...right?
Right. Anyway, this is about a futile attempt at going against feelings. But we all know that the minute you become even the slightest bit interested...the moment you become curious, you'll find yourself on a one-way street. John Mayer knew it. Selena Gomez sang it:
"You love who you love."
"The heart wants what it wants."
So I don't know why we even try resisting. LOL.
***
What are you?
A flicker of light
From the corner of my eye
Too faint to be worthy of my time
But somehow I
Feel the need to find you
What are you?
The scent of spring
From someone's skin
A fragrance vague within the mist
But somehow I
Feel the need to follow you
Something pulls me to you
And it leaves me confused
Why I'm here,
Staring at the riddle that you are
There's a beat I'm missing
This uncertain yearning
I have every reason not to,
But I want to know you
What are you?
The sound of droplets
From a distant rain
And suddenly my mouth feels dry
Now somehow I
Need to chase you
Always. Always. ALWAYS. When I have to do something I always have this itch to write instead. Like it's my excuse to procrastinate. Before, it was more of the petty activities like cutting my nails, or snipping the ends of my hair, or the sudden urgent need to re-decorate my room. Now it's writing. On the bright side, the excuses have developed into something more...productive? Yes? No?
No. An excuse is still an excuse. And the delays are not getting shorter. I'm going to work on a better self now. Or later... after I've finished posting this. And maybe a little more after I've worked on a melody for this song/poem. This is obviously more important. LOL.
Here's another one of my sad stuff. I love drama. It feeds my soul. Lelz. I dedicate this to the people who are only meant to endure...those built to never know happiness. BOOM. :))
So. I've been following Philpop (@philpopmusic) and Mr. Ryan Cayabyab (@ryancayabyab) on Twitter to get some inspiration on songwriting from time to time. And then I saw them post about Philpop's call for entries for it's 2016 run. I pondered on it for a long time, because let's face it, my so-called songs are only suited for my own ears (lol) and are not really commercial material...more so, fitting for the pop genre.
But then I figured, what the heck, it won't hurt to try. If you can recall my post about my past Friendster blog, I regretted the fact that I let go of the chance to send an application to the Amazing Race Asia (even though the chance of making it was slim). Now history is repeating itself and I have no intention of adding another item on my list of regrets.
So, I forced myself to write an English song right on the 1st day of the year. I didn't post it here yet because that would forfeit the entry as per Philpop's rules. But I realized later on that Philpop is an OPM competition, so I might as well write a Filipino song...which was a welcomed challenge for me since I'm used to writing in English (and speaking in Bisaya). Thus, I wrote 2 more songs -- my 3rd and 4th Tagalog ones -- last January 8 and 28, respectively. I even tried my hand in music arranging for the 1st entry, combining guitar and keyboards, and it ended up sounding messy. Welp, whatever, I still sent it. LOL. For the 2nd entry, because I have a steep learning curve, I ditched the keyboard and just stuck with my guitar. Lelz.
I'm not very confident about my entries -- if at all. I'm pitting my meager work against people who have been making music since they learned to walk, mostly from the talented younger generation who could play instruments (and I mean, really play) and arrange music like it's the most natural thing to do. Mind you, these are people who have a complete home recording studio -- condenser microphones and all. I, on the other hand, used my trusty Samsung Galaxy Note 2, a voice recording application from Google Play, and the ever reliable (and free) Audacity. So, that said, I think I have a pretty good chance at winning. LOL!
Anyway, I'm joining for my songwriting skill(??), not for my singing talent(??!?!). Like I said on my "About" page, I just sing because no one else would sing my songs. I mean, why would anyone, right? Hahaha! Yeah, but just so we're clear...I write because I want to, I sing because I have to. :P I don't really expect to win though. Basically I'm just trying to see if anyone else (besides myself) thinks my "songs" are worth his time.
So this was my first attempt written January 1, which I didn't submit. I'll post my 2 actual entries later when the competition is over because yes, I still want to believe I have even the smallest chance at making it in the Top 1000, at least. So I'm not risking any technical violations. Bwahaha.
This song is about short-lived relationships that actually feel truer than most long-term relationships combined. That guy who was your "one that got away," and that one love affair that marked you but regretfully had to end because of unavoidable circumstances.
P.S. I'm still contemplating on whether to post my video here or not so until then...
***
Oh, how love sparks feelings of regret
When it's a mistake on the onset
A present for the wrong recipient
Were we really meant to have met?
A case of should I stay or should I go
When ambitions come to separate our roads
Only momentary happiness
A trivial part of our existence
A whirlwind romance
A spiteful game of chance
But so far the realest I've experienced
At the end of the day my heart goes out to you
You're still the one it goes home to
How ever I conceal the truth
It knows, it knows...
A special kind of memory
My mind wanders off easily
And though I am unwilling
Still it grows, it grows...
All this time we try to navigate
Mapping roads to find a soulmate
But in-betweens are still a part of fate
The markers that remind you of the choices that you made
I'm sure you saw this coming. It has been almost 2 months now since I became an accidental ALDUB fan. It's really funny how my world has flipped. I was in fact very skeptical about this "phenomenal love team," thinking it's just another pairing that's going to be all cutesy on TV. Until that fateful afternoon when I was stuck in my condo in Manila where I didn't have cable channels....
Di na napigilan. Sabi nga ni Alden Richards, "What's bound to happen will find its way." So eto na nga, my age found its way to 31 years. Haha! Oddly, I felt very differently compared to my other birthdays in the past. I usually would be very unwilling to celebrate getting a year older. Especially last year, when I had to say goodbye to my 20s.
But today I woke up and realized, "Grabe, ang ganda at napakatalented kong tao. And31 years na akong ganito."
LOL! Birthday ko, pagbigyan.
When I was 20 years old, my vision of myself 10 years later was so different from who I was at the time, so I figured I would slowly try to change towards that "new me."
And here I am, 11 years later...
Absolutely the same as I was and nowhere near my envisioned 30-year old version. But contrary to the usual emotions I had--regret, disappointment, and frustration--I now feel very unburdened, and hopeful for things to come. I used to think that I wasted my youth, and that I had lived a passive life. I still think I did, and I know that there are things that I can no longer do. But then, I have been looking at a half-empty glass all these years, and that has to change now. Even though I cannot re-engineer the past, I can still mold the future. There are so many other things that I can still do and explore moving forward, so that I won't be feeling regretful again.
I don't know if dahil 'to sa nakain kong durian, but I now have a renewed confidence in myself (oo, hindi pa ako confident sa lagay na yon dati). I am slowly learning to be more comfortable in my own skin. I am aware of my eccentricity (thus, the blog title) and would catch myself trying to cover it up in my attempt to seem normal (haha). And then I read this quote on Facebook:
"Work for a CAUSE, not for applause. Live life to EXPRESS, not to impress. Don't strive to make your presence noticed, just MAKE YOUR ABSENCE FELT."
In short, the art of keberness. Do what you want to do. Don't try to belong to a circle, draw your own. BOOM. Paki-patent please.
Anyway, that said, I will continue writing these things that I like to call songs or poems, dahil gusto ko lang, kung hindi niyo ikakagalit. :) Music has been a passion ever since I was a fetus (no, kidding. My mama would play the radio right beside her belly when she was pregnant with me), and I have always loved reading analogies to life and love. Put them together and what have we got? My very awesome songs, of course. Haha! But seriously, I don't aim to become the next Taylor Swift or something (but it would nice if I get John Mayer's attention /wink with matching beautiful eyes/). This is an outlet for me, and if it can inspire anyone, or at least give people the courage to express themselves in any way, then that would be a plus.
Here's one I wrote on my birthday. Happy 31st to me!
(P.S. I've included a line here that I based from a story our parish priest shared during the homily last Sunday... about a man who got stranded on an island. He built a hut, but it burned down so he blamed God for not helping him. Turns out the smoke from the fire signaled a ship that happened to pass by, and so he was saved.
So thank You, GOD for continuing to carry me, even during my darkest days when I had also questioned Your ways. I have lived 31 years surrounded by Your blessings. I believe You have Your plan for me. And on my part, I will continue to make good use of the life You gave me.)
***
Another year, another candle to wish on
Another hope, a longer rope to hang on
It's that time of the year
The past reappears
To see how far you've gone
One and thirty years and still no clue
What now? What's ahead? What is left to do?
Stared at my reflection
"You had it wrong," it said,
"There's no destination
You'll see where you are when this ends."
Everyday is a war and each day is a fight
One's never prepared but required to strike
If I lose to the fire, let the smoke send the sign
That I've lived my life
My path could stray 'cause heart won over mind
I'd try 'til I burn looking for what I find
When time calls us out to recall our lives
Mine would be worth the while
At 31 you can't avoid
Expectations fenced around your voice
Just shout it all out, let the light hit your skin
It's all black and white, you lose or you win
Only when you jump blindly will you find out
If you can fly
My path could stray 'cause heart won over mind
I'd try 'til I burn looking for what I find
If I lose to the fire, let the smoke send the sign
I've posted this before but somehow the link was broken so here's a reupload of my first (and probably the only) Tagalog song ever. It's harder to express in Tagalog without sounding too desperate mushy. So to OPM songwriters, my utmost respect, sirs and madames. (Lyrics below)
SO, in the absence of Grooveshark, I had no choice but to settle for 8tracks. And in all fairness, there's a fairly good number of indie playlists in that site. Ergo, another wave of songwriting talent consumed me (LOL). So I wrote this. My cousin borrowed my guitar but I'm thinking of recording this with just my beatbox.
Or not, because I know you would rather not hear me sing. :))
Anyway, the influence of this song is a combination of Andrew Belle, Florence And The Machine, A Fine Frenzy, and of course, my main man John Mayer (OF COURSE).
EDIT: So I didn't let the absence of my guitar hinder me from singing this. LOL. I have decided to befriend my dust-covered keyboard again and strive to get a decent tune. Despite my claims, I cannot play keyboard/piano to save my life so please be considerate IF EVER you choose to watch this video.
Wow 2 songs in one day I am so not busy. Too much Maroon 5 today thus the mood and feel of this song. Adam Levine, let's do a real-life Begin Again, shall we?
[UPDATE] Now with recorded audio below. I know you love to hear my voice. Mehehe.
I've been watching too many sad dramas lately and I feel bad for the 2nd leads. Like, seriously sometimes they aren't even that bad and maybe the male lead is just stupid for choosing the 1st female lead carelessly without knowing how hurt the 2nd lead feels. Lol.
So here's a song about the "other girls," since they're so good at letting go. The process of ending all delusions and setting someone free for everyone's good.
I think I have made it clear to everyone that I'm a huge John Mayer fan. Seriously. You have NO IDEA. The man just has a way of writing his songs so that when you hear the lyrics, you'll go, "ah, it couldn't have been said better." Sometimes he just tells it like it is and still I feel like he's singing about me. Haha
Just a few lines I love from his songs:
"....a thirst I'll have to drown first to ever satiate" - Something's Missing "....at 68, you re-negotiate...I tried my hand. John honestly, we'll never stop this train." - Stop This Train "....fear is a friend who's misunderstood." - Heart of Life "....I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe...I'm scared you'll forget about me" - Edge of Desire (you just really need to listen to the whole song to feel the strength of desire John's singing about) "Drop his name, push it in and twist the knife again. Watch my face as I pretend to feel no pain." - Heartbreak Warfare "How come the only way to know how high you get me, is to see how far I fall?" - Heartbreak Warfare "Power is made by power being taken." - Vultures "Don't believe me when I say I've got it down." - Why Georgia "We're slow dancing in a burning room." - Slow Dancing In A Burning Room (lol) "I'm so good at forgetting. And I quit every game I play." - Back To You "They love to tell you, 'stay inside the lines.' But something's better on the other side." - No Such Thing "But I'll gladly go down into flames if a flame's what it takes to remember my name." - Bigger Than My Body "Twice as much ain't twice as good, and can't sustain what one-half could. It's wanting more that's gonna send me to my knees." - Gravity
Okay so maybe that was more than "a few." Lol. Though honestly the lines have more impact if sang with the entire song. I just want to show how JM's songs are like stories being told, feelings that were felt, all written in figures of speech that fit well with the emotion.
So I've always had this fantasy of me being called out by JM to sing onstage with him (and maybe with Adam Levine, too, if he's also in the area) in one of his concerts. But when he finally came to Manila I was only able to afford a Silver ticket, which was no different from me just watching him on IMAX or something. It didn't help that it rained that day, so I was very lucky to witness everyone opening their umbrellas in front me, blocking what little I could see of the stage. I had a very slim chance of him singling me out from the crowd. Besides, there was also this tiny problem that I don't exaclty know how to play any of his songs on guitar. He's too talented to write songs using the 7 chords that I know. Ugh, what a show-off.
BUT I finally found 3 John Mayer songs that have simple chords that a musically-challenged peasant like me can actually play (YEHEY!): XO, Crossroads and Something Like Olivia. The first 2 were just remakes so that explains the absence of complicated riffs. And then there's Something Like Olivia.
Whether John was being symbolic or was just really smitten by a girl named Olivia, who knows. But I wanted to relate to the song, so I rigged a few lines to make it my own song for JM himself. Boom. Stroke of genius.
Which brings us to the point of this whole homage--my video. Wait, I meant videoS. Two (2). Because I did Crossroads, too, in case John Mayer reads this and judges my effort based on the number of covered songs. LOL. #DELUSIONAL
Ah, it's been a while since I last wrote something. I've been listening to Mary Lambert's songs lately and it's very inspiring how she has come to terms with herself and learned to love her body and who she is as a person. I'm not sure if she's that new a musician, but I hope she goes far. The world needs more singer-songwriters like her.
I had a dream last night and it was so vivid I can still remember every scene now. It was about the girlfriend of my special someone walking up to me and yelling at me about how she's noticing that "our" guy actually has feelings for me and seems happier when I'm with him than when he's with her. Obviously at that moment I didn't realize it was a dream and I was all, "So, I was right all along." I felt overwhelmed and maybe even overjoyed and good thing it wasn't real because at the end I actually shook the girl's hand and said something like, "I'm sorry, but I promise I'll take care of him for you" as if she and I were the runner up and the grand winner in the competition. LOL.
It's funny how it was a dream of him but through her. I don't know why I had it, when I wasn't thinking of him lately, more so, her. And then I realized it's July 1st now. July. The month. Maybe my subconscious is giving a me a happy memory--even though it's not real--so I can say goodbye. UGH. I need a drink. And a distraction.
EDIT: I'm having second thoughts about doing a "recording" (lol feeling pro) for this song because the lyrics are too Taylor Swift cotton-candy-ish I can't even...
I wrote this song last year and forgot about it. Lol. This is my understanding of John Mayer and Katy Perry's Who You Love. Make way for my awesome falsettos. hohoho. Plus the laziest strumming you'll ever hear in your life. It actually sounds like the intro to my other song, Dreamer's Confession. But who cares. ;)
